Category: dazzler

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“Hey don’t put your mouth on that!!! THAT’S MY PROPERTY!!!” Zap. Well here’s how the X-Men and X-Factor defeat Mr. Sinister in the blink of an eye at the end of Inferno. After many months of reading nearly 50 comics for the Inferno crossover, the conflict is finally over, and the X-Men and X-Factor part on good terms, each determined to pursue the spirit of Xavier’s dream in their own way.

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This end of this crossover kind of falls on the ground like a wet, half eaten burrito getting dropped on the floor of the back alley of a Las Vegas strip club. But, if nothing else, this was a really good reunion for the characters of X-Factor and the Uncanny X-Men, and a good reset for where the two teams stand with each other. Until we meet again, good mutants. (X-Factor #39 – Apr 1989)

This is the least amount of respect Sabertooth has ever been shown by the Marvel writers, even worse than that time Wolverine finished him off in 5 seconds, because this time they don’t even do him the justice of letting him get his ass kicked ON PANEL. Sabertooth used to be Wolverine’s equal in every way, with the writers often insinuating that he is actually superior to his X-Man counterpart, and that Wolverine could never beat him even on his best day. Now they don’t bother showing us HOW Wolverine is kicking the shit out of him. If this isn’t the biggest bag over the head… punch in the face I ever got. (X-Factor #39 – Apr 1989)

Thundercats! Hooooooo! We made it to the final issue of the Inferno storyline (although that doesn’t mean I’m done with this reading yet, because there are still a few epilogue issues I need to read). It’s quite a climactic moment considering that Mr. Sinister has been antagonizing our heroes for over 30 issues and this is only their first meeting. I’m sure they won’t defeat him in like a single panel after he toys with the one X-Man that can defeat him easily for the whole comic when he could just kill Cyclops and be done with it. It’s like he says to himself, “Hey! I’m suuuuper vulnerable to that guy’s optic blasts, and I’m also a psychotic murderer, but instead of murdering that guy, I’m going to manipulate and antagonize him for his entire life, starting when he’s an 8 year old kid! That won’t make him mad and want to kill me!” (X-Factor #39 – Apr 1989)

The X-Men and X-Factor reel from the emotional fallout of their final battle with the goblin queen. Jean’s parents are still butt-ass nekid. Scott is balling his face off like a cry baby (which is great). And Scott’s infant son is basically catatonic. “With any luck, this night will just seem like a bad dream to you, little baby!” You fucking maniacs. That baby got tossed around like a sack of garbage by a bunch of demons and his possessed mother for like 3 weeks straight. His own god damned mother tried to sacrifice him to create a hell portal!! We’re talking YEARS of therapy here, IF he doesn’t have straight up concussive brain damage from all that jostling that’s going to put him in the hospital for the rest of his life. You can’t play catch with a baby!!! Could someone please take all the babies away from the X-Men and keep them from going 500 feet from a school? (Uncanny X-Men #243 – Apr 1989)

Lots of revelations here at the end of Inferno. Jean’s parents turn back into human beings and try to forget about their stint as horny dog demons that tried to eat their daughter, Angel officially dons the moniker of Archangel (even though I’ve been tagging him as Archangel ever since Apocalypse transformed him), the X-Men acknowledge that even though the Inferno spell is broken they all still look totally demonic, and Cyclops insists that everyone tried their hardest to save Madelyne. Oh fuck you Scott!!!! Listen to this asshole. “We tried to save her! You saw us try!! SHE WOULDN’T LET US.” Seriously fuck you. If she hadn’t died, you’d still be married!! I’m SURE you totally tried your hardest, and totally aren’t happy that she’s dead and you don’t have to endure the moral crises of having to officially divorce her so you can keep fucking Jean with a clean conscious. Why can’t Cyclops ever die??? I mean just once. Everybody else has died at least once!!! I’m so sick of this dick. (X-Factor #38 – Mar 1989)

What in the fuck is going on in this Inferno comic book now. Warren and Madelyne are making out? Warren is turning into hairy orc-looking vulture-like hobgoblin? This is some weird god damned shit. (X-Factor #38 – Mar 1989)

JESUS this is a lot of X-Drama to cope with here. “The baby!! What about the baby!!” In all seriousness, Madelyne’s apathy for the life of her own child is about as believable as Luke Skywalker’s abandonment of his family in The Last Jedi. Based on established character traits, I know she’d never behave like this! No matter how corrupted by demons she is, she’d never want to kill her own baby. I mean, she never gave up on her father, did she??? And he was the most evil, murderous, ruthless tyrant the universe had ever seen. But Luke was all like “nope, I’m going to turn him back to the light or I’m going to die trying.” But then in the face of a new Empire (the First Order), a new Emperor (Snoke), and a new Darth Vader (Kylo Ren), he totally abandons his sister, his best friend, and his god damn nephew and fucks off into exile to suck on green alien boobs and harass the local fish nuns. Total bullshit! Wait what was I talking about… (X-Factor #38 – Mar 1989)

Ok Wolverine popped his claws and we’re heading into the final 3 issues of Inferno and it’s finally time to resolve all this shit. The X-Men and X-Factor are united against a common enemy, Madelyne Pryor has revealed herself to be the Goblin Queen, and all that’s left is for the X-Men to finally have their first confrontation with Mr. Sinister after he’s been tormenting the shit out of them for over 30 god damned issues. Pissed off demon X-Men? Check. Bondage imagery? Check. Cyclops balling like a 3 year old that lost his mommy in a grocery store? Check. Let’s do this. (Uncanny X-Men #242 – Mar 1989)

The X-Men give N’astirh the old razzle-dazzle as they freeze him, heat him up, and then electrocute him until he explodes. I think this is finally the end of the demon, even though he’s blown up a few times before this. It was a good run, you weirdly horse faced, socially insecure weirdo. I’m gonna miss you. (Uncanny X-Men #242 – Mar 1989)